I'm tired. I'm drained.

But who to blame? Only myself.

I'm caught up. Caught up with the dunya. Trying to fill the void with the dunya. Which of course, can't and won't be filled by junk.

I'm sick. My heart is sick.

Alhamdulillah that Allah tests me time and time again, for if I were not, certainly I would be lost.

I forget and forget. Allah gives and forgives. I forget and forget.

I need to find a happy place. I need to pray.

It's getting to be a bit too much.

Things have been very very hectic as of late. To the point of groginess and a genuine need to nap. I realise I need to take breaks for myself before I totally exhaust myself. Alhamdulillah despite the tight schedule, I have slowly learnt to let go of not being able to attend to every interest and supplementary activities. Prioritize prioritize innit. So in the midst of all the juggling, alhamdulillah, the Quran has been my comfort, tahajjud insyaAllah is slowly being implemented more in my life.

I've tried to actively learn lessons from Muzammil. Trying to implement them in my daily life. Before the responsibilities befell me, I was already moved by some lessons from the beautiful chapter. I would remind myself to 'just keep swimming'... 'just keep swimming.' As simple as it sounds, the words are truly symbolic of so many things!

When things really started to get.... crazy.. I chose to sit down and listen to a tafseer of Muzammil by Mufti Kamani. Then a friend gave me notes from Sh Akram Nadwi's tafseer. MasyaAllah they both have had effects in my life already, Alhamdulillah. I haven't even finished the notes but Alhamdulillah for the comfort Allah gives..

Knowing that Muzammil was the second surah revealed to mankind, it sort of hit me that I am so far behind in my responsibilities in sharing tauhid to people around me. There's guilt. There's fear. But alhamdulillah, the notes led me to verse 35 of Surah Al-Furqaan:

Said those who disbelieved, “Why has the Qur’an not been revealed to him all at once?” (It has been sent down) in this way (i.e. in parts) so that We make your heart firm, and We revealed it little by little. [25:32]

This provided me solace. I know I am far behind, but the time before this was preparation. It was preparing me to carry the responsibilities so that I would be strong enough to try, so that I would not have broken down as soon as I started. Not saying that I'm not worried about my roles every day. Not saying that I don't have thoughts of quitting every day. I do! But I am still willing to try. Eventhough the load seems like too much to bear, I realize that my contributions to the ummah are still very minute. Kena malu lah! So without trying, how will I gain jannatul firdausi? How will I be able to meet Allah with Qalbun saleem?

The verse told me that it's okay. That eventhough I'll face trial after trial, Allah will strengthen my heart bit by bit and everything will be okay.

Another Quranic experience happened whilst an influx of incoming students required my help. As I stepped out of the house, feeling overwhelmed.. I randomly blurted.. Innallaha ma'assabireen. The verse struck me and so I repeated it again and again, even translating the verse aloud. (My housemates might think I'm a nutcase. lol). Verily, allah is with the patient. Verily, Allah is with the patient.

Okay, Miss crabby, tired and trying to persevere needs to rest.

the Aldi encounter

As I embark on the supposedly toughest year of my life as a student.. I search for guidance from Allah that whatever I do in the year will be blessed.

Since Uni starts really soon, the realization that I will be doing my own research project this year is starting to hit harder and harder. Knowing that I want to do my topic relevant to the ummah, I was wondering how I would be able to ensure the quality of my work so that it is neither misleading and irrelevant. My fears are that I make judgements and statements based on my limited knowledge which might end up concurrent to what Islam actually teaches. I knew I thus needed to find someone!

This morning, whilst lounging in the living room with the girls, one requests Carbonara for lunch. So I change out of my PJs to something slightly presentable and head out with a shopping bag, my phone and debit card. Get all the ingredients I need. I reach the tills and as usual, Aldi has long queues.

I notice the lady behind me was Muslim, and so I gave salam. Excitedly, she replies and MasyaAllah was she beautiful! I thought that was it, just like any other encounter.. but then she tells me how beautiful it is to hear salam and we started talking. I noticed she was getting activity books for children so she must be a mom! Things spiral and I ask for her number. She asks for mine as well and when she knew my name, she asks whether I know the meaning. MasyaAllah she says. I tell her I'm trying to study Arabic and that she should speak to me in Arabic when she sees me.

Whenever you need help with anything at all, Quranic advice, arabic, whatever, give me a call and I will pick you up!

See this is why I love Islam. Where ever I go, I know I will meet beautiful people. People beautified by Islam.

Turns out she's from a very academic background: a teacher herself, with a lecturer in law and a husband that has studied Islamic philosophy etc. I'm excited because I know Allah will take care of me, where ever I go.